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Spokane, WA
This profile photo is my mom and me at the beach--she is 26 and I am about 18 months. LOVE the joy!! I am a mom of three and a teacher; being a teacher means I have to go back and cut the f-bombs. There were a few. Because Alzheimer's sucks badly. This blog, for nine years now--skipping a few while I was too cheap to buy my domain name-- helps me un-peel and process the endless layers of sad woven with weird and--impossibly--comedy.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Seriously Grown Up Problems

It has been pointed out to me that I have not blogged for a while. Like, a LONG WHILE about this whole mom thing. Frankly, it's so surreal and icky, I can't get enough distance from it to articulate it.At the last visit..which I make very infrequently, and with the back up of my mom's friend Connie..my mother played with a baby toy. It had crinkle sounds and a rubber edge on which to chew..as she likes to chew on things..
She started this game which was eerily familiar. Where she held the toy and then dropped it and I made the toy make a faux-anguished Mr. Bill sound, (like "oooh, nooo, why are you doing this to me?!!") she laughed hard, I picked it up and gave it to her, and she dropped it again. Sound familiar? Yea, I am good with babies. They love me. But this baby (complete with what appeared to be a messy diaper) looked like an older version of my mom and she was not adorable. And I was feeling sorry for myself but then she made a cute expression and she was baby-charming.
So weird.
And that's why I don't write much.. Even retelling it makes me feel like I've swallowed a bottle of vinegar.
But today, my grandma--her mother-- is dying..went in early Friday morning (or Thursday night) bleeding profusely..
FYI, Once you are wheelchair-bound and severely demented and close to 90, the pelvic exams stop. So it was not until she had advanced uterine and bladder cancer and started bleeding and cramping so badly..that anyone knew about it.
I am sad that Evelyn was in pain and grasping at people's hands..and I am thankful for morphine, and that her family has been keeping vigil..I thought about going to see her because she is sweet, but my grandma dying is acceptable. A friend of ours who is 45 and has three young girls is dying, also, and that's not acceptable. Whereas nearly 90? it's a pretty good run.
But I have to tell my own mom her about her mother dying, and she will likely just look at me and mumble. And I suppose, as I did with my grandfather, I will go to a memorial service and speak for my mother.. if they have the service before we go to Disneyland..otherwise we will miss it altogether.
Then there is the matter of my mother's extended family worrying because currently my mom is legally a ward of the state--(in that she has a court appointed guardian in is subsisting on Medicaid.) and the third of my grandparetns' estate that is designed to go to my mother will be allocated to either her court-appointed guardian's care or maybe to the state of Washington? and they're afraid it will be "stolen." So I need to petition to become her guardian. Ideally, if I can do that,and the "inheritance" can come through me, then I can pull her out of the current place one hour away and put her in a dementia unit in a very nice facility close to me. I would like to spend time trying to get her mobile again..anyway..I am hopeful I can. I'll have to learn how to make a spreadsheet.

Thoughtful young me

Thoughtful young me

Seventies chicks

Seventies chicks
Me and my mom Lynn, 1973

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