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Spokane, WA
This profile photo is my mom and me at the beach--she is 26 and I am about 18 months. LOVE the joy!! I am a mom of three and a teacher; being a teacher means I have to go back and cut the f-bombs. There were a few. Because Alzheimer's sucks badly. This blog, for nine years now--skipping a few while I was too cheap to buy my domain name-- helps me un-peel and process the endless layers of sad woven with weird and--impossibly--comedy.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Resistance

          It's hard to go back to being on my own, with respect to dealing with mom. I don't want to go back to that place without Chris. That Scrabble guy was only our friend because when Chris and I are together we..but especially him, can create fun and community in the most ridiculous situations (maybe his gift comes from years of being heckled in bars as a stand up comic. What could be more humbling? Oh, wait, subbing in the first grade with no lesson plans.) ANYWAY. The scrabble guy is just a big stranger now, and my mom is just the lost lady who walks with her right shoulder down and is happy to see me, but then goes away to pace the west hallway.
         When Chris was here we were a family; broken, tragic, funny, uncomfortably comfortable. Chris and I survived every other family situation like this together: Christmases at the O'Connors where we received a set of sheets (me) and a light-up pen (him), or whatever was from Kmart dollar days. Awkward fighting and tension..we just giggled through it all in whispered tones. Chris would find something..a crooked googly eye on a hand-made felt Christmas ornament~ and we'd laugh until we almost peed our pants. And that was when I HAD bladder control. We did the same thing on those drives to the nursing home last week. After we had to decide about whether or not to go with the DNR order, we talked about taking mom for a walk by the river..
       "Oh, no, oh, mommy, watch out, you've fallen in the river face-first. Oh, dear..giggle "Are we going to go to Hell for saying this stuff and laughing?" "No, wait until you get there. That place is close enough." But with him, it wasn't, it was just how our goofy family looks now. And I don't want to go without some support. What a wuss. I wish I felt differently.
        I think I'm also mourning not having Chris with me. In general ,but also with regard to grappling with this AD thing. I didn't really realize how much more freeing it was to go through this with my other half. SIGH. And I am also resentful;, because he gets to be the Disneyland son (literally, he lives by Disneyland) and I am NOT that, mostly because I do still live here, but also because I'm the one who PUT her there. At least she thinks that in moments of lucidity.
        I will get off my pity potty (potty...man I wish she still went potty) and go, soon. Really.

Thoughtful young me

Thoughtful young me

Seventies chicks

Seventies chicks
Me and my mom Lynn, 1973

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